Instead of focusing on alligator skin and scarecrow hair, let's talk about suggested fixes.
In winter, I buy some kind of Aveeno lotion. It doesn't matter which; they've all been wonderful. This year I bought Aveeno Active Naturals Positively Nourishing Body Lotion, Energizing Pomegranate + Grapefruit. I'm a sucker for bath and body products that are grapefruit scented. (Sometimes, this ends badly, and I end up smelling like dish soap or worse bug spray.) This lotion smells great and once it absorbs is subtle. It does take awhile to sink in - especially on my hands and feet.
My coworker Sue introduced me to Nivea Creme. I buy it in the travel sized tins. The packaging is cute and small. It's easy to carry in the palm of my hand or throw in my purse. I find that I use it most often on the bus! I'm sitting there and BOOM my weirdo cuticles pull a run in my stockings like that is their main function. Solution: mourn the tights, silently swear, moisturize the cuticle.
Go to the drugstore. Buy five or sixty bottles of eye drops WITHOUT vasoconstrictors. Put them in your desk at work, every purse you own, in your bathroom, on your mantle. Hang them from your Christmas tree. Make earrings from them!
Biolage by Matrix Hydrating Shampoo and Conditioner
wash hair well, massage liberal amount of conditioner into scalp and through hair focusing on roots, sit in tub until unbearably pruney, rinse in a half-assed way
Cantu Shea Butter Leave In Conditioning Repair Cream
apply utterly ridiculous amount to dry, dirty (like 3rd day dirty) hair, play video games for four hours OR watch four blood-soaked episodes of Vampire Diaries, take a normal shower
CHI Keratin Mist
realize your hair is disgustingly dry but you have no time to do anything listed above, hold your ends altogether making your straw hair into a sort of broom, spray that shit until you drown that broom like you're a magician's assistant
For those with cash to burn, I do like Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment SPF 15. It tastes good, has a little color (and is sticky in a good way?)
It's better to realize what you don't want than what you do want in makeup (and all things), because then it's easy to say no. What I DON'T want in a chapstick-but-not-chapstick: Glitter, stickiness, strong odor, strong taste, odor or taste that isn't based on something edible (read: floral), no SPF.